Points
As those of you motherfuckers
Who were reading This Fuckin' Blog last year
(Or who heard this)
Already fucking know,
I like Citibike:
I used to have to buy motherfucking monthly transit cards
From the motherfucking MTA
Every motherfucking month
And I fucking hate the motherfucking MTA.
Citibike has saved me a shitload of money
That would otherwise go to the pieces of shit
At the fucking MTA
So yeah, I fucking like Citibike.
If I had to name the worst fucking thing
About Citibike
I guess I'd say that sometimes
There's no fucking bikes
And you have to walk to another fucking docking station
And sometimes
There's no room to dock your bike
So you have to ride to another station to dock your fucking bike
But that's really no big deal
It's only occasionally a pain in the ass.
But, so then, I get an email from Citibike a couple of months ago,
About this new fucking program
Where you get points
If you take a fucking bike from a too-full fucking station
And/or if you dock a bike at a station that doesn't have enough fucking bikes.
They call it Bike Angels.
If you get 10 points in a month, you can give somebody a free 24 hour Citibike trial*
If you get 20, you get a week added to your motherfucking membership.
If you get 40, another week.
You can get up to four fucking free weeks of Citibike each month, if you get 80 fucking points.
So I did this in October and November--eight weeks free.
It's fucking nice.
(After that, you get a dollar for every ten points, but I say fuck that,
I accidentally got a dollar the first month, but I don't give a shit about that.)
And they have a fucking leader board,
And some fucking animals
Are getting thousands of points a month
So that they can be designated fucking Bike Leaders,
And I'm like, go wild, motherfuckers--you're fucking crazy.
I'm like, just give me my free membership extension, and I'll see you next fucking month.
But so then, this month, it's December, and I'm thinking it's gonna get cold at some fucking point,
--Although who the fuck knows what with this fucking planet and fucking climate change--
But still, I want to try to get my fucking four free weeks out of the way as soon as possible,
And December first is a really nice fucking day,
And there's this station,
Right near my fucking office,
And usually, you get three points every fucking time you dock a bike there,
Because it's right by this ferry and people are always hopping off the fucking ferry and hopping on a fucking bike,
And there's another fucking station
That's almost always got bikes in it,
Because motherfuckers are always docking bikes there,
And it's a two minute walk away from the three point station,
So this really fucking easy--
I go to the one station,
Get a fucking bike,
Ride it over to the other station,
Ca-ching, three fucking points
Sometimes only two points,
When the station gets to full,
But still,
I can easily get ten fucking points
In a half a fucking hour.
So, December first, and I've done this twice,
And I'm walking toward the station
To get another fucking bike
And I see this lycrafuck,
and he's got two fucking Citibikes:
He's riding one,
And wheeling the other,
And I'm like what the fuck,
I don't know if this guy has two memberships
Or if somehow he can take two bikes out at once
But he's racking up a lot of fucking points
And he should go fuck himself, is what I'm thinking.
But so then, the next time,
We pass by each other,
And he says to me,
"Are you a Bike Angel?"
And I just nod.
I don't want to talk to this fucking lycrafuck.
Fuck him.
Then, a few minutes later,
We're both at the station,
I'm taking out a fucking bike,
And he's fucking taking out another fucking two,
Because he's a fucking piece of shit,
And he says, "Are you a Bike Leader?"
And I say, "No, I'm not that competitive.
I only take out one bike at a time."
I say this to him because I'm a dick,
But also because he's a fucking dick.
Fuck that fucking dick.
Then I see him
Dock two more fucking bikes
At that station
Filling it all the way the fuck up
So I have to wait until
Someone gets off the fucking ferry
Which only takes a few minutes,
And then I go to the office
I got 22 fucking points
I'm good for the fucking day.
I went back there two days ago,
And this morning,
And I haven't seen that piece of shit again.
And now it's December fucking Sixth,
And I've got 72 points,
So yeah, I think I'm going to make it
To 80 fucking points this month.
No thanks to that piece of shit lycrafuck dick.
Fuck that motherfucker.
December 6, 2017
*which, if you want the free trial for December, you can Facebook message John S. Hall. If you're the first one, you got it.
As those of you motherfuckers
Who were reading This Fuckin' Blog last year
(Or who heard this)
Already fucking know,
I like Citibike:
I used to have to buy motherfucking monthly transit cards
From the motherfucking MTA
Every motherfucking month
And I fucking hate the motherfucking MTA.
Citibike has saved me a shitload of money
That would otherwise go to the pieces of shit
At the fucking MTA
So yeah, I fucking like Citibike.
If I had to name the worst fucking thing
About Citibike
I guess I'd say that sometimes
There's no fucking bikes
And you have to walk to another fucking docking station
And sometimes
There's no room to dock your bike
So you have to ride to another station to dock your fucking bike
But that's really no big deal
It's only occasionally a pain in the ass.
But, so then, I get an email from Citibike a couple of months ago,
About this new fucking program
Where you get points
If you take a fucking bike from a too-full fucking station
And/or if you dock a bike at a station that doesn't have enough fucking bikes.
They call it Bike Angels.
If you get 10 points in a month, you can give somebody a free 24 hour Citibike trial*
If you get 20, you get a week added to your motherfucking membership.
If you get 40, another week.
You can get up to four fucking free weeks of Citibike each month, if you get 80 fucking points.
So I did this in October and November--eight weeks free.
It's fucking nice.
(After that, you get a dollar for every ten points, but I say fuck that,
I accidentally got a dollar the first month, but I don't give a shit about that.)
And they have a fucking leader board,
And some fucking animals
Are getting thousands of points a month
So that they can be designated fucking Bike Leaders,
And I'm like, go wild, motherfuckers--you're fucking crazy.
I'm like, just give me my free membership extension, and I'll see you next fucking month.
But so then, this month, it's December, and I'm thinking it's gonna get cold at some fucking point,
--Although who the fuck knows what with this fucking planet and fucking climate change--
But still, I want to try to get my fucking four free weeks out of the way as soon as possible,
And December first is a really nice fucking day,
And there's this station,
Right near my fucking office,
And usually, you get three points every fucking time you dock a bike there,
Because it's right by this ferry and people are always hopping off the fucking ferry and hopping on a fucking bike,
And there's another fucking station
That's almost always got bikes in it,
Because motherfuckers are always docking bikes there,
And it's a two minute walk away from the three point station,
So this really fucking easy--
I go to the one station,
Get a fucking bike,
Ride it over to the other station,
Ca-ching, three fucking points
Sometimes only two points,
When the station gets to full,
But still,
I can easily get ten fucking points
In a half a fucking hour.
So, December first, and I've done this twice,
And I'm walking toward the station
To get another fucking bike
And I see this lycrafuck,
and he's got two fucking Citibikes:
He's riding one,
And wheeling the other,
And I'm like what the fuck,
I don't know if this guy has two memberships
Or if somehow he can take two bikes out at once
But he's racking up a lot of fucking points
And he should go fuck himself, is what I'm thinking.
But so then, the next time,
We pass by each other,
And he says to me,
"Are you a Bike Angel?"
And I just nod.
I don't want to talk to this fucking lycrafuck.
Fuck him.
Then, a few minutes later,
We're both at the station,
I'm taking out a fucking bike,
And he's fucking taking out another fucking two,
Because he's a fucking piece of shit,
And he says, "Are you a Bike Leader?"
And I say, "No, I'm not that competitive.
I only take out one bike at a time."
I say this to him because I'm a dick,
But also because he's a fucking dick.
Fuck that fucking dick.
Then I see him
Dock two more fucking bikes
At that station
Filling it all the way the fuck up
So I have to wait until
Someone gets off the fucking ferry
Which only takes a few minutes,
And then I go to the office
I got 22 fucking points
I'm good for the fucking day.
I went back there two days ago,
And this morning,
And I haven't seen that piece of shit again.
And now it's December fucking Sixth,
And I've got 72 points,
So yeah, I think I'm going to make it
To 80 fucking points this month.
No thanks to that piece of shit lycrafuck dick.
Fuck that motherfucker.
December 6, 2017
*which, if you want the free trial for December, you can Facebook message John S. Hall. If you're the first one, you got it.
If the bike fits, wheel it.
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