This Fckin' Blog

Age It is sad to think about being so fucking old, But at least I don't feel as fucking old as I am. But here's something that sucks: When I used to tell people how old I was, They would be shocked and say, "Are you fucking serious? I seriously thought you were fucking Ten years fucking younger," Or words to that fucking effect. But that very rarely happens anymore. Which kind of fucking sucks. Perhaps nowadays everybody that I fucking meet Just kind of fucking figures I'm too old To need that kind of fucking ego boost. They are almost right. I almost don't give a shit. Maybe next year, I won't give a shit at all. Maybe the older I get, The less shit I will give About how fucking old I fucking am. I certainly give a lot less shit today than I did this time last year, Which is some fucking kind of progress, I suppose. Happy fucking birthday to me. 9/2/2014 Birth I am fairly fucking happy I was born, And that is certainly a majo...

Cicadas Jesus fucking fuck there's a lot of cicadas in the park today. On my way to fucking Stumptown, For a motherfucking cold brew, And fuck me, its a fucking swarm. A plague of fucking locusts All up in this motherfucker over here. I haven't seen a single one the whole fucking summer, But I sure as fuck can hear those motherfuckers. No fucking lie. Now, I seem to recall That the motherfucking 17 year cicadas Were due last year But they never fucking came I remember thing that was kind of ominous Like what the fuck happened to the motherfucking cicadas Like maybe it had to do with fucking climate change Or some fucking bullshit or something. I don't fucking know. As usual, I don't fucking know. But, so now I'm thinking maybe they took a year off For some fucking reason. But they are back With a motherfucking vengeance This fucking summer, Let me fucking tell you. No fucking lie Loud, creepy motherfucking fucking cicadas. This shit ...

Razor An example of what I was talking about yesterday, in the fucking sonnet : I'm in the office today, and before I started working, I decided to shave my fucking face, Because I didn't have a chance to fucking shave Before I left to go to the fucking office this morning. So I'm walking down the hall of this fucking office building Toward the bathroom, With this electric fucking razor in my hand, And I'm thinking to myself: This fucking razor looks like a fucking gun I should put it in my fucking pocket, Because I don't want one of these fucking security guards To see me carrying this fucking thing in my hand And just fucking shoot me down. I should put this thing in my fucking pocket. So I start to do that, I start to put the razor in my fucking pocket, And then I think: Get the fuck out of here. You don't fucking have to do that. You're fucking white, for fuck's sake. Fucking idiot. 8/30/2014 Jersey I feel a littl...

Pier Here I am again, on the fucking pier I mean, check out this beautiful fucking pier During the day, it's sunny, but the breeze is so fucking refreshing, right? And when the sun sets over New Jersey You'd almost forget that it's New Jersey I mean, no offense, but come on. New Jersey is no fucking New York, I'm sorry. And then, at night, when the waters of the motherfucking Hudson Reflect all the fucking lights from all the fucking buildings And when there's a big fucking moon I can just sit on this bench And relax And shoot motherfucking joggers all night long That would be a really nice time I realize I've fucking said this before So, fuck you: I guess I'll try to say something else now. 8/29/2014 Sonnets You know what I fucking like sometimes? Fucking sonnets It is really fucking fun to write sonnets I swear to fucking God, it's really nice You wouldn't necessarily think so You might think that writing a sonnet would...

Owls Owls don't seem so fucking wise to me. They look like dicks, usually, With their chests all puffed out and shit, Like they're saying "Fuck me? No-Fuck you!" But of course, they're not fucking saying that. Owls don't actually want to fuck with you. They will stay the fuck out of your way is what I've found. But if you happen to be chipmunk running in a fucking field, Or a squirrel fucking another squirrel, let's say, And an owl sees you, You're fucked. You're fucked. That fucking owl will swoop down on your chipmunk or squirrel ass And pick you up with some sharp-ass motherfucking talons, And fly you up to a branch, And just fucking eat you. Eat you alive. That is some fucked up shit. You could even be a fucking bird, Just fucking flying along, And that fucking owl will catch you in mid fucking air, And you're fucked. You're fucked. Owls will also eat insects and fucking worms. That doesn't seem so ...

Cat This fucking cat is like, "Fuck you--feed me. I don't give a fuck what time it is Feed me I'm fucking hungry And what the fuck are you doing fuck you, fuck your sleep Wake the fuck up and feed me." And I used to be like, "Fuck you, you cunt. Why do you have to fucking be like that? You've got plenty of fucking dry food- I put that shit out like five hours ago It's not that fucking stale Just eat that shit You spoiled fucking piece of fucking shit. It's four o'clock in the morning, damn it Listen to me good: Eat your dry food and let me fucking sleep." But now I'm like, "Here you go, Piggy. Here's the shit that you like. Eat this shit and Shut the fuck up. I love you." So, yeah, you could say I'm pussy whipped. But you could also go fuck yourself I love this fucking cat This fucking cat is really fucking great. 8/24/2014 Dogs When I was a kid It was often my responsibility To wal...

Closet So you don't know and you think What's next? And you look at your fucking closet And you say, ok, closet Fucking closet Why the fuck not? So: closet. So: Closets are better when they're not so fucking full I mean, it's nice to have clothes But it sucks to have so much fucking shit in the closet Shit that you're never going to wear again So much of that shit That you can't find a fucking thing You would actually want to fucking wear Am I right? Of course I'm fucking right. So last week I packed up a fuckload of shit I mean two fucking big fucking bags of shit: Suits, ties, blazers, A fuckload of fucking shirts, A fucking Whole Foods bag And a fucking Ikea bag-- One of those big blue fucking Ikea bags- Both bags Stuffed full of old clothes- And I brought all that shit to fucking Housing Works And now, Look at this fucking closet! I bought one pair of pants, that I'm wearing right now And one fucking shirt that I wor...