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"Trump II: Speech" and "Retrospect": This Fuckin' Guy Reflects.

Trump II: Speech*
Jesus fucking cocks
How do you like the balls on this motherfucking piece of shit?

Make the bar so fucking low
That that shit looks statesmanlike?
That that shit looks good?
Fuck that shit
And fuck you.

But I will say one fucking thing:
It's a fucking shame that no Democrat since probably LBJ
Would even fucking think of proposing
A trillion fucking dollars on infrastructure
And I will say fuck yes to that.

I will give credit when credit is due
Like what that piece of shit Bush did in Africa:
A lot of fucking money to fight AIDS, malaria, and other fucked up shit
over there
Whereas that fuck Reagan took five fucking years to even say the fucking word "AIDS."
That piece of shit ratbastard fuck.

So fuck yes to Bush fighting AIDS, malaria, and other fucked up shit in Africa
And fuck yes to proposing a trillion dollars for infrastructure
Even if it never fucking happ‎ens
It's a nice fucking gesture
It's a lovely fucking gestu‎re
So fuck yes
I mean, I'm almost al…
Recent posts

"Return" and "Trump I": This Fuckin' Guy Comes Back.


It's been a long fucking time.
I'm not all that into me, but I've kind of fucking missed me.

After writing something like a hundred fucking poems in 14 months,
This Fuckin' Guy was getting fucking repetitive and pedestrian and boring.
To me, at least.
And I don't think I was the only fucking one.

But, now that 14 more months have gone by (17, actually)
And what with the state of the motherfucking union,
It feels like there might be a place again
For This Fuckin' Guy.

Let's see....

February 28, 2017

Trump I* (In Seven Parts)

Well, yeah, of course.
Fuck this fucking piece of shit
Fuck this piece of shit in his fucking dick
With a fucking corkscrew
Stick a fucking corkscrew in his dick
And screw it in.
Fucking piece of shit.
Fuck this fucking motherfucker.

I've been trying to transcend
I've been meditating and being all like
Live and let live
But then this ever changing world in which we live in
Made me give in and cry
And say fuck that shit
Live and let this mo…


Two fucking years ago
A month or two after Citibike fucking started up
I was like, fucking hell, I hardly ever ride the fucking subway anymore
So I stopped getting the monthly fucking unlimited fucking Metrocard
And got a pay per fucking ride
And I hardly ever fucking paid for a fucking subway ride:

For fucking months
I'd get on a fucking bike each morning
And I'd be like, hey I'm fucking saving money
And after a couple of months,
Let me fucking tell you,
I was the fastest motherfucking Citbike riding motherfucker
On the motherfucking bike path
Along the fucking Hudson
Going south in the morning.
Not the fastest fucking bike rider --
There were always some fucking Lycrafucks
Who would pass my ass (see "Bike"; the second to last
Motherfucking poem I wrote on August 30th of last fucking year;
Or hear "Bike," here; I think it's the second fucking track).
But never fucking ever did a motherfucker on another Citibike
Ever fucking pass me.

But s…

"118" and "Book": This Fuckin' Guy has been at it for a year!

A year ago today,
This Fucking Guy
Wrote his first fucking poem
Called "Dragonfly"

Fucking "Dachshund" and Fucking "Daisy"
Were written that day too

I just fucking counted
How many there have been
117 motherfuckers
A motherfucking sin

A few are pretty fucking good
And a few are fucking not
But regardless, 117's
A motherfucking lot

I posted one motherfucker twice
Because it was rewritten
But it only counts as one
Otherwise, that would be bullshitting

And there's a fucking poem called "Cake"
Inside another poem
I figured, fuck it, that one counts
Leave me the fuck alone

Anyway, it's been a year a this shit
Happy fucking birthday
To motherfucking me

I've been thinking,
Fuck me, there are a fuckload
Of This Fuckin' Guy poems.
Shouldn't there be a fucking book?

"Owls" has already been fucking published,
And a few more are suppo…

"Explanation" and "Picture": This Fuckin' Guy Follows up on Yesterday's Poem.

I'm not fucking sure
If I explained
How my toe got so fucked up.

You see, when you go on a fucking long ass motherfucking hike,
Particularly when you're hiking downhill,
It's very fucking easy
To stub your fucking toes
On motherfucking rocks.
And I did this repeatedly.

And if you haven't cut your fucking toenails recently,
The motherfucking toenail
Will jam down into your toe
When you stub that shit on a rock.
And the longer the fucking toenail
The more that shit hurts.
And that toenail,
On the right big toe,
That shit was long.
This Fuckin' Guy
Forgets to clip his motherfucking toenails

So, my solution
(Rather than just fucking remembering
To clip those motherfuckers
On a regular fucking basis)
Is, the next time I plan to go
On a motherfucking hike,
I'll put a note in my fucking calendar
Two days before the hike
That says "Clip your fucking toenails."

Oh, and I already fucking said
I'm not taking a picture

"Toe": This Fuckin' Guy Contemplates an Appendage.

Damn my toe got fucked up from that hike last weekend.
That shit is black and fucking disgusting.
I'm not one to wear sandals, normally, but I was just out walking with some mothefucking sandals on, and motherfuck me, that toe looks like shit.
I only first noticed it a couple of days ago.
I don't look at my feet a lot.
I'm not into feet, like I heard Quentin Tarrantino is really fucking into feet,
But I'm not, and even if I fucking was,
I wouldn't be into my feet
And even if I was into my own fucking feet,
I would be like, yo, motherfucking foot over there, I'll see you in a couple of fucking weeks, because that motherfucking toe over there is fucked up.
I could take a photograph of it, and maybe I will, but I don't know if I would want anyone to see that shit. It's fucked.
I'm not trying to be coy.
I'm not trying to play it like, oh, if you talk me into it, I will show you my fucked up fucking toe. Because I won't.
This motherfucking fu…

"Hike": This Fuckin' Guy Spends a Weekend Hiking.

HikePrologue: First, to expose a fucking artifice for what it fucking is: This is not an actual fucking diary
I wrote all of this on the same fucking day (July 27).
So, even though I fucking wrote it to make it look like a diary
I am not fucking interested in convincing you That this is a fucking diary. Rather, I want to make it crystal fucking clear
That this is not, in fucking fact, an actual fucking diary,
So as not to be fucking misleading.
So let's get fucking started.Thursday, July 24, 5:30 PM:
I'm in the fucking hardware store
Having a fucking set of keys made,
And the music that is playing
Is "Dueling Fucking Banjo's" -- The fucking theme song from fucking Deliverance. The motherfucker making the fucking keys Is talking to me about
How the banjos are driving him fucking crazy and he can't fucking think,
But I'm thinking about how in two days,
I'm supposed to go on a fucking hike
On the Appalachian Fucking Trail
And I don't want what happened to Ned Fuck…