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Showing posts from August, 2014

"Razor," "Jersey," "Epithets," "Chimes," "Bike," and "Fuck": Six More? This Fuckin' Guy Has Got to be Fucking Kidding.

An example of what I was talking about yesterday, in the fucking sonnet:
I'm in the office today, and before I started working, I decided to shave my fucking face,
Because I didn't have a chance to fucking shave
Before I left to go to the fucking office this morning.

So I'm walking down the hall of this fucking office building
Toward the bathroom,
With this electric fucking razor in my hand,
And I'm thinking to myself:
This fucking razor looks like a fucking gun
I should put it in my fucking pocket,
Because I don't want one of these fucking security guards
To see me carrying this fucking thing in my hand
And just fucking shoot me down.
I should put this thing in my fucking pocket.

So I start to do that,
I start to put the razor in my fucking pocket,
And then I think:
Get the fuck out of here.
You don't fucking have to do that.
You're fucking white, for fuck's sake.
Fucking idiot.

I feel a little bad about what I said
About Jers…

Another Three This Fuckin' Guy Poems: Pier, Sonnet, and Privilege

Here I am again, on the fucking pier
I mean, check out this beautiful fucking pier
During the day, it's sunny, but the breeze is so fucking refreshing, right?
And when the sun sets over New Jersey
You'd almost forget that it's New Jersey
I mean, no offense, but come on.
New Jersey is no fucking New York, I'm sorry.

And then, at night, when the waters of the motherfucking Hudson
Reflect all the fucking lights from all the fucking buildings
And when there's a big fucking moon
I can just sit on this bench
And relax
And shoot motherfucking joggers all night long
That would be a really nice time

I realize I've fucking said this before
So, fuck you: I guess I'll try to say something else now.

You know what I fucking like sometimes?
Fucking sonnets
It is really fucking fun to write sonnets
I swear to fucking God, it's really nice

You wouldn't necessarily think so
You might think that writing a sonnet would be a pain in the dick
But i…

This Fuckin' Guy Scores Another Four: Owls, Bees, Crickets, Grasshoppers

Owls don't seem so fucking wise to me.
They look like dicks, usually,
With their chests all puffed out and shit,
Like they're saying
"Fuck me? No-Fuck you!"

But of course, they're not fucking saying that.
Owls don't actually want to fuck with you.
They will stay the fuck out of your way is what I've found.
But if you happen to be chipmunk running in a fucking field,
Or a squirrel fucking another squirrel, let's say,
And an owl sees you,
You're fucked.
You're fucked.

That fucking owl will swoop down on your chipmunk or squirrel ass
And pick you up with some sharp-ass motherfucking talons,
And fly you up to a branch,
And just fucking eat you.
Eat you alive.
That is some fucked up shit.

You could even be a fucking bird,
Just fucking flying along,
And that fucking owl will catch you in mid fucking air,
And you're fucked.
You're fucked.

Owls will also eat insects and fucking worms.
That doesn't seem so fucking wise to me.
I don&…

The Next Three from This Fuckin' Guy: Cat, Dogs and Bird

This fucking cat is like,
"Fuck you--feed me.
I don't give a fuck what time it is
Feed me
I'm fucking hungry
And what the fuck are you doing
fuck you, fuck your sleep
Wake the fuck up and feed me."

And I used to be like,
"Fuck you, you cunt.
Why do you have to fucking be like that?
You've got plenty of fucking dry food-
I put that shit out like five hours ago
It's not that fucking stale
Just eat that shit
You spoiled fucking piece of fucking shit.
It's four o'clock in the morning, damn it
Listen to me good:
Eat your dry food and let me fucking sleep."

But now I'm like,
"Here you go, Piggy.
Here's the shit that you like.
Eat this shit and
Shut the fuck up.
I love you."

So, yeah, you could say I'm pussy whipped.
But you could also go fuck yourself
I love this fucking cat
This fucking cat is really fucking great.

When I was a kid
It was often my responsibility
To walk the fucking dog
And I feel kind of ba…

Five More from This Fuckin' Guy: Closet, Blanket, Bed, Pillows, Bedroom

So you don't know and you think
What's next?
And you look at your fucking closet
And you say, ok, closet
Fucking closet
Why the fuck not?
So: closet.

Closets are better when they're not so fucking full
I mean, it's nice to have clothes
But it sucks to have so much fucking shit in the closet
Shit that you're never going to wear again
So much of that shit
That you can't find a fucking thing
You would actually want to fucking wear
Am I right?
Of course I'm fucking right.

So last week I packed up a fuckload of shit
I mean two fucking big fucking bags of shit:
Suits, ties, blazers,
A fuckload of fucking shirts,
A fucking Whole Foods bag
And a fucking Ikea bag--
One of those big blue fucking Ikea bags-
Both bags
Stuffed full of old clothes-
And I brought all that shit to fucking Housing Works

And now,
Look at this fucking closet!
I bought one pair of pants, that I'm wearing right now
And one fucking shirt that I wore yesterday
And there's …

Another Five by This Fuckin' Guy: Garden, Clouds, Babies, Dirt, Chicks

This garden has a shitload of beautiful fucking shit in it-fucking
trees, flowers, fucking plants and grass
It smells so fucking nice
Birds and animals and shit

It's so peaceful here that the squirrels aren't even trying to rape each other*
It's fucking serene.
It's a beautiful fucking day.

So I'm think I'm going to pull out some weeds
Maybe transplant a fucking bush
And then maybe just lie here and fucking relax and jerk off in this
beautiful fucking garden
Because why the fuck not?

A cloud can be big fat fuck of floating marshmallow in the fucking sky
Moving slowly in the gentle fucking wind

Or it can be little fucking wisp that looks like a long fucking finger
or some shit stretching out across the entire fucking horizon

Or it can be a fucking ominous looking fucking rain cloud telling you
to get the fuck inside, lest a bolt of lightning fries your fucking

You can see shit in the clouds - like a cow or maybe a train or
whatever th…

Four More by This Fuckin' Guy: Squirrels, Boats, Trains, and River

Damn, look at those two squirrels.
They are really going at it.
He's really going at it.
And she looks like her eyes are going to pop right the fuck out of her head.

And actually, you know,
She doesn't look like she's enjoying herself.
She looks like she want him to get off of her.
That squirrel is raping that squirrel over there.
Hey, squirrel!
Get the fuck off of her!
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Can you not see that she doesn't want you doing that?
What do you think you're a big fucking stud?
You think you're God's fucking gift to squirrels?
Get the fuck out of here.
And get the fuck off of her.

You're going to knock her up and she doesn't even fucking like you.
I don't even think she even fucking knows you.
You're a cute fucking squirrel, but you're a fucking dick.

Fucking boats-Am I right?
I love to watch fucking boats
I love to sit on a pier
Especially this pier—I love this fucking pier
I love to sit on this pi…

Three More by This Fucking Guy: Sunset, Stars and Moon

This is one beautiful fucking sunset
Jesus fucking god, will you look at this shit?
Fucking A, am I right?
I mean, it's just the fucking sun, dropping below the fucking horizon,
But fuck me, look at that shit.
Like a work of fucking art.
Like a painting of a beautiful sunset, only better.
Fucking unbelievable
Fucking A.

Oh, and now look at this shit.
Look at all these fucking stars
It's fucking beautiful
I mean, Holy fucking fuck.
I mean, fuck me.
I've never seen anything like this
It's like the fucking Hayden Planetarium.
Only maybe even better,
Like what I just said about that fucking sunset.
Fuck me, remember that beautiful fucking sunset?
And now these stars.
At the risk of repeating myself
At the risk of flogging a dead fucking horse,
These stars are fucking unbelievable, kinda thing.
Jesus fuck.

And how about that moon?
Ok, even I am getting tired of me cursing in the face of all this beauty, but mother fucking fuck. Fuck. Fuck!

Two Full Poems, and Part of a Third, by This Fucking Guy: Dragonfly, Dachsund, and Daisy

"This Fucking Guy" is an idea I've been kicking around with a friend for a few weeks. These are the first of his poems, all written today (8/5). The third is incomplete, because it's a bit fucked up. But I will read it in its entirety on Friday (8/8/14) if anyone asks -- or maybe even if no one does.

What the fuck is wrong with you, dragonfly?
The way you dart and dip like some insane dipshit
Like you've been drinking all fucking night
Like someone dropped a hammer on your head from the fourth or fifth fucking floor or some shit
Seriously, you are one fucked up bird of a bug.
Get the fuck out of here.

Look at this funny fucking dog
But I like it, though
Fucking wiener dog
Like a flaccid fucking dick with four legs wobbling around looking for pussy
Silly fucking dog

Dachshund, so that's German, right?
No, wasn't going to mention the war, I'm just saying
You're a funny fucking German dick shaped dog
That's all.
I'm just s…