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Showing posts from September, 2014

"Accordions" - Because Why the Fuck Not?

Okay, it's Sunday fucking night
And for some fucking reason
For the last several fucking hours
I've been hearing fucking accordion music in my head
And thinking about accordions

Now, I happen to really fucking like accordion music
I often find it really fucking soothing
Like, if I was having a really hard fucking day
--which I'm not; today has gone pretty fucking good, mostly--
But if I fucking was,
It would be really fucking nice
To lie down on a comfortable fucking couch
Or sit in a nice fucking chair
Or, fuck, just sit on the fucking floor
And listen to some really nice relaxing fucking accordion music
That would be a nice fucking time
That would be really fucking splendid

But, now, to be fucking fair about it,
You can play a fucking polka on an accordion
And sometimes you really fucking should

There's a time to relax,
And there's a time to listen to a fucking polka
Or maybe some fucking zydeco
I don't fucking know,
I'm just fucking saying

"Rain," "Blabbermouth," "Weight," "Thighs" and "Arms": Some More Solopsistic Narcisistic Nonsense From This Fuckin' Guy

Today - let me fucking tell you
I fucking loved the rain.
Last year, when I was re-learning
How to ride a motherfucking bike
The rain would really fucking piss me off

But fuck me,
I can ride a motherfucking bike now, motherfucker
So this fucking morning
When I was slowly fucking weaving
Around those cars
And fucking busses and  motherfucking trucks
I didn't even fucking feel
Like I was taking my motherfucking life
In my motherfucking hands
Which fairly fucking recently
I did fucking feel like maybe I was

And so this is a good fucking thing
Because today, it's like
I actually want to maybe fucking live
That's fucking nice, right?

I'm such a motherfucking blabbermouth
You wouldn't fucking believe what I just wrote
I don't know why I want the fucking world
To know my stupid fucking petty shit

But always every mother fucking time
I get a fucking idea in my mind
I write it down and motherfuck, I want
To post the motherfucker in real t…

"Wedding," "Reception," and "Show:" This Fuckin' Guy Has an Excellent Fucking Weekend

That was a really fucking nice wedding yesterday
I wore the black suit and those nice fucking black shoes
And what the fucking fuck was I worried about--
Half the motherfuckers in the place
Were wearing fucking black

The bride, who I've known a pretty long fucking time
Was fucking beautiful and fucking hilarious
The groom, who I've only met a couple of fucking times
Seemed really fucking nice and good and kind
And they are both fucking brilliant
And both so fucking in love
I'm really fucking happy for them both
Mazel fucking Tov, you know what I mean?

And I had been fucking dreading the fucking reception
I used to be fucking scared to fucking death of that kind of shit
And I figured there'd be a lot of fucking rich motherfuckers
And I can get very fucking intimidated  by fucking wealth

And there were a lot of rich motherfuckers
But I talked to some of them, and they were really fucking nice
I talked to one motherfucker about jazz -
Mingus and fucking …

"Bump," "Bruise," "Ducks," and "'Duck'": This Fucking Guy Suffers a Minor Trauma.

Last night, I was rushing to get some fucking laundry
Out of the motherfucking dryer
And some motherfucker
Had left another fucking dryer door open
And BANG! my motherfucking head
And I mean fucking BANG!
And that shit fucking hurt

And I was very fucking glad
There were no other motherfuckers
In the motherfucking place
At that particular time
Because I slammed that fucking dryer door closed
And that shit swung back
And I slammed that shit shut again
And I did that shit like four fucking times
While screaming "motherfucking cocksucker motherfucker"
Or words to that fucking effect.
I don't fucking remember, exactly.

Anyway, then I'm folding the laundry
And the shit still fucking hurts,
And I look in the mirror
Above the fucking folding table
And it looks like there's a little fucking dent
Or a gash or some shit

And then I felt my head
And there was a fucking bump
And I smiled, because
If I'm going to act
Like a motherfucking fool like that
It should be ov…

"Shoehorn," "Shoes," "Suit," "Solution," and "Stink": Another Friday, Another Five Fucking More.

Goddamn fucking fuck, where the fuck is my shoehorn?
I know that motherfucker was right here, yesterday,
In the fucking shoes I was wearing in the motherfucking office yesterday
And yes, fuck, yes, okay,
I left in a motherfucking hurry yesterday,
But I fucking know that before I left the office:

I used the fucking shoehorn
To put on my motherfucking outside shoes
And I left the motherfucking shoehorn
In the motherfucking office shoes.

So, what I'm saying is,
Some motherfucker came in here
And stole my motherfucking shoehorn.

Yes, I know that is fucking implausible.
I know that didn't fucking happen.
But then, where the fuck is my shoehorn?

Goddamn these are some nice fucking shoes.
So, on Wednesday, I think it was,
I noticed that the shoes I was wearing had a fucking hole in them
So I got out these fuckers
And started wearing them
But then, this morning, when I was getting coffee,
I looked down at my shoes, and fuck me, these are fucking nice.
It's …

"Memory": This Fuckin' Guy Forgets Some Important Fucking Shit.

Last night, my daughter instructed me
To make a very fucking secret preparation
In the early fucking morning,
Just as soon as I woke up:
Boil some fucking water
Put some fucking vanilla in
And stir that shit, etc.

She told me not to tell a fucking soul.
(Now, again: This is artistic fucking license;
She doesn't really fucking talk like that.
Not yet.)
But I fucking forgot:
I woke up,
Had some fucking coffee,
And started exercising
While watching this fucking documentary
On Joan fucking Rivers
That I'd been meaning to fucking watch
For about a fucking week.

A few hours later,
When she's eating fucking breakfast
She fucking looks at me and says,

And I'm like "What?
Did I fucking forget something? What?"
(Again, AF fucking L, okay?)
And then I fucking remembered,
And I was like, "Oh shit!
Jesus, I'm really fucking sorry."
I felt really fucking bad
It was very fucking important to her
And she was very fucking upset

"Phone," "Fruit," and "Sleep": This Fuckin' Guy Writes Three Poems on his Motherfucking Phone.

I don't like writing poems on my fucking phone.
I mean, it's a perfectly fine fucking phone,
But I like to write with a physical fucking keyboard.
Sometimes, I like to really pound those fucking keys.
And tapping on a fucking phone can be really fucking unsatisfying.
But I deliberately didn't fucking bring my laptop with me today
Because I didn't think I'd have any fucking time.
But fuck me, I do have time.
So here I am, fucking tapping.
It's so fucking weak.
The medium is the fucking message
And this medium is fucking weak
So this fucking poem will probably be fucking weak,
If Macluan is to fucking be believed.
And I don't know if I do fucking believe him.
I didn't even fucking understand Understanding Media.
Fucking Macluan.
Fucking phone.
Fucking fuck.

Where I work
They leave free fucking fruit out
At 6:00 pm
For all the poor motherfuckers
Who have to work late.
And then they take it away again in the morning.

But sometimes, if I …

"Moose," "Horses," and "Elk": - Is This Fuckin' Guy Running Out of Ideas? Possibly...

The deer in that video
Was so fucking big
It reminded me of the huge fucking Moose
I saw that one time.

And, ok, first of all,
One fucked up thing about moose
Is how the fucking word "moose"
Can be fucking singular or plural
It's the same fucking word
That's fucked up.
How the fuck are you supposed to know
How many fucking moose you're fucking talking about?

So I was in Canada one fucking time
And I woke up and was walking around
(This was in Banff or some shit
We had done a festival with Mudhoney
And some other fucking bands

And Clelia thought it would be a nice fucking place
To have a vacation after the fucking festival
And fuck me, she was totally fucking right)
But, so I woke up and walked around
and fuck me
Look at the fucking moose!
Fucking big motherfucking moose!

Did I see one, or two,
Or a whole fucking shitload of them?
You don't fucking know.
You weren't fucking there.
So I'll tell you: there were a few.
Not a shitload, but a …

"Deer" Another This Fuckin' Guy Poem.

Oh shit!
Check this shit out
Look at this fucking deer
Fucking up this hunter over here
This deer is fucking this hunter up

That's right deer
Get that fucking hunter
Fuck him up.
We're here, we're deer, get fucking used to it.

I like how whoever took the fucking video
Didn't fucking help that fucking guy at all;
Must have been thinking
That's right deer-
Fuck him up.

Oh fuck yes.
That deer has that fucking hunter on the motherfucking ground.
Stomping a fucking mudhole in his ass
Fuck yeah
That is really, really fucking nice.

"Tree," "Stump," "Branch," and "Acorn" -- This Fuckin' Guy Just Keeps on Fucking Going.

Oh my god I fucking hate myself right now.
I wrote a fucking poem this morning,
And it's fucking unpostable,
Which really fucking motherfucking sucks.

I spent like an hour and a half on the motherfucker.
I really fucking tried to get it right.
And I think I fucking did, I really do.
But it is definitely fucking unpostable
I'm fucking sorry, but it really fucking is.

And it fucking sucked,
I was like, almost fucking finished,
And suddenly I'm saying to myself,
Wait a fucking minute,
I can't fucking post this.

So then I fucking get into
Why am I fucking doing this,
Why am I fucking finishing it,
Why fucking go on,
Why do fucking anything,
The tree will fucking fall,
And nobody will fucking hear it.
It will not make a motherfucking sound.

Instead, I'm over here,
Fucking telling you about the fucking sound
That tree just fucking made.
Fuck me, you should have heard that shit.
It fucking went BOOM!
I'm fucking serious.

Actually, I did send it to this one f…

"Age," "Birth," and "Time:" This Fuckin' Guy "Celebrates" His Fuckin' Birthday!

It is sad to think about being so fucking old,
But at least I don't feel as fucking old as I am.
But here's something that sucks:
When I used to tell people how old I was,
They would be shocked and say,
"Are you fucking serious?
I seriously thought you were fucking
Ten years fucking younger,"
Or words to that fucking effect.
But that very rarely happens anymore.
Which kind of fucking sucks.

Perhaps nowadays everybody that I fucking meet
Just kind of fucking figures I'm too old
To need that kind of fucking ego boost.
They are almost right.
I almost don't give a shit.
Maybe next year, I won't give a shit at all.
Maybe the older I get,
The less shit I will give
About how fucking old I fucking am.
I certainly give a lot less shit today than I did this time last year,
Which is some fucking kind of progress, I suppose.
Happy fucking birthday to me.

I am fairly fucking happy I was born,
And that is certainly a major fucking improvement.

"Cicadas," "Drugs," "God," and "'God'." Four more This Fuckin' Guy Poems.

Jesus fucking fuck there's a lot of cicadas in the park today.

On my way to fucking Stumptown,
For a motherfucking cold brew,
And fuck me, its a fucking swarm.

A plague of fucking locusts
All up in this motherfucker over here.
I haven't seen a single one the whole fucking summer,
But I sure as fuck can hear those motherfuckers.
No fucking lie.

Now, I seem to recall
That the motherfucking 17 year cicadas
Were due last year
But they never fucking came
I remember thing that was kind of ominous
Like what the fuck happened to the motherfucking cicadas
Like maybe it had to do with fucking climate change
Or some fucking bullshit or something.
I don't fucking know.
As usual, I don't fucking know.

But, so now I'm thinking maybe they took a year off
For some fucking reason.
But they are back
With a motherfucking vengeance
This fucking summer,
Let me fucking tell you.
No fucking lie

Loud, creepy motherfucking fucking cicadas.
This shit is fucking crazy.