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"Shoehorn," "Shoes," "Suit," "Solution," and "Stink": Another Friday, Another Five Fucking More.

Goddamn fucking fuck, where the fuck is my shoehorn?
I know that motherfucker was right here, yesterday,
In the fucking shoes I was wearing in the motherfucking office yesterday
And yes, fuck, yes, okay,
I left in a motherfucking hurry yesterday,
But I fucking know that before I left the office:

I used the fucking shoehorn
To put on my motherfucking outside shoes
And I left the motherfucking shoehorn
In the motherfucking office shoes.

So, what I'm saying is,
Some motherfucker came in here
And stole my motherfucking shoehorn.

Yes, I know that is fucking implausible.
I know that didn't fucking happen.
But then, where the fuck is my shoehorn?

Goddamn these are some nice fucking shoes.
So, on Wednesday, I think it was,
I noticed that the shoes I was wearing had a fucking hole in them
So I got out these fuckers
And started wearing them
But then, this morning, when I was getting coffee,
I looked down at my shoes, and fuck me, these are fucking nice.
It's not always fucking easy to find decent looking non-leather fucking shoes
But these are some nice fucking shoes.

Some shoes are too fucking shiny
And some shoes are fucking boring looking
And some shoes just look like shit
And some shoes look fucking stupid
And some fucking shoes
Just look like you're trying way too fucking hard.

But these motherfuckers...
Fuck yes.

I could wear these bastards next Saturday,
To the fucking wedding.
They would go really fucking nice with the black suit.
I think I will wear them to the fucking wedding next week
With the black fucking suit.
That will be a real nice outfit.

Except--fuck, can I wear a black suit to the wedding?
Fuck--if I don't wear the black suit,
What the fuck am I going to wear to the wedding?
I had that fucker dry cleaned like a fucking month ago,
And I was like:
I'm going to wear you to the motherfucking wedding.
 And I felt good about having that shit solved.

I bought the fucking gift already,
Off the motherfucking registry,
That shit got sent,
They got that fucking present already,
Don't have to worry about that shit,
And I thought I didn't have to worry about
What the fuck to wear either.

I figured I'd wear the suit I wore
To the fucking Maggie memorial.
It didn't really look like mourning clothes
I looked fucking okay in it.
It fits me fucking better now.
I kind of almost had to squeeze into that shit before.
But now that shit fits.
I would look all right, except...
Is it fucking okay to wear black to a wedding?
God fucking damn it, I just looked it up
And there seems to be some differences of opinion.
But I'm looking at some pictures over here,
And yes, I think it's going to be okay.
Okay, so I'll wear the black fucking shoes
With the black fucking suit
And I figure out some fucking shirt and fucking tie.
It will all be fucking fine.
What the fuck was I fucking worried about?
It will all be fucking fine.

Mystery fucking solved:
The motherfucking shoehorn was on my desk
Under the latest fucking issue of the Harper's
The one with the really fucking interesting looking article
About silencing women
That is referenced on the front fucking cover.
(I can't wait to read that shit.)

I must have been
In a crazy motherfucking hurry yesterday,
To leave it on the fucking desk.
But then, how the fuck did the Harper's
End up on top of it?
This shit is really fucking mysterious.

So this time,
I definitely put the motherfucking shoehorn
In the motherfucking shoes I'm going wear
When I fucking leave the office for the motherfucking day
Which is going to be pretty motherfucking soon
Because I've got shit to do, motherfuck yes.
I've got shit to do.

Fuck me;
I just took off those nice fucking shoes
And they make my feet fucking stink.
I do not like that funky fucking smell.

Well, I mean,
It's not like I'm going to take my fucking shoes off
At the motherfucking wedding.

And maybe I can get some shit to spray in them
Because I do not like that motherfucking stink.
But I do like those motherfucking shoes.
I'm going to be thinking about those motherfuckers
All fucking weekend.

I'm not really going to be doing that.
Fuck me; What the fuck am I doing,
Still doing this shit?
I've got to get the fuck out of here!
Because I don't know if you heard,
But I've got a lot of fucking shit to do.


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