"Moose," "Horses," and "Elk": - Is This Fuckin' Guy Running Out of Ideas? Possibly...

Moose
The deer in that video
Was so fucking big
It reminded me of the huge fucking Moose
I saw that one time.

And, ok, first of all,
One fucked up thing about moose
Is how the fucking word "moose"
Can be fucking singular or plural
It's the same fucking word
That's fucked up.
How the fuck are you supposed to know
How many fucking moose you're fucking talking about?

So I was in Canada one fucking time
And I woke up and was walking around
(This was in Banff or some shit
We had done a festival with Mudhoney
And some other fucking bands

And Clelia thought it would be a nice fucking place
To have a vacation after the fucking festival
And fuck me, she was totally fucking right)
But, so I woke up and walked around
and fuck me
Look at the fucking moose!
Fucking big motherfucking moose!

See?
Did I see one, or two,
Or a whole fucking shitload of them?
You don't fucking know.
You weren't fucking there.
So I'll tell you: there were a few.
Not a shitload, but a few.
Or maybe a shitload, because
It doesn't take that many fucking moose to make a shitload

Because those motherfuckers are fucking big.
You wouldn't necessarily fucking think so,
But like, they are much fucking bigger than, say, horses.
Like even a fucking huge motherfucking horse
Might see a moose and be like
"That is one big motherfucking...whatever the fuck that is."
Because horses don't have a word for moose - singular or plural
Because horses don't have a word for fucking anything.
Because they're fucking horses.
Which, so I guess that means
The horse wouldn't actually be like,
"That is one big motherfucking...whatever the fuck that is."
But the point is the horse would be really fucking startled.
As was I, that one fucking time in Canada.
9/8/2014


Horses
At least with fucking horses
You know that means more than one of the motherfuckers
It means at least two.

I'm sorry--I can't get over the fucking moose plural/singular fucking thing at all.
So I can't think of a fucking thing to say about horses,

Except -- that was a great motherfucking Patti Smith record,
And a great motherfucking Patti Smith song.
Motherfucking Patti fucking Smith--am I right?
God fucking damn.
9/8/2014


Elk
Ok, Elk.
The first thing I wanted to know was
Are moose in the motherfucking elk family
Or are elk in the motherfucking moose family?
So I looked up Elk in the motherfucking dictionary,
And I got two definitions on the motherfucking Miriam Websters online
(Not my fucking dictionary of choice,
but that's what came up first on fucking Google):

Definition 1. a large fucking kind of North American fucking deer with big motherfucking antlers.
(I'm embellishing a little fucking bit)
And 2. a fucking European or Asian motherfucking moose

I mean, what the fucking fuck?
They're all fucking related.
Fucking taxonomy. Jesus fucking fuck.

And: Deer, Moose, Elk,
All of those mother fucking words are
Fucking singular or plural

And then there's the fucking Moose Lodge
And a fucking the Elk Lodge
(and the Raccoons and the Water Buffaloes
if you watch the fucking Flinstones and Fucking Honeymooners)
But there's no fucking Deer Lodge.
Why?
Why is there no fucking Royal fucking Order of motherfucking Deer or some shit?

I swear to fucking God,
I don't know why I let this kind of shit get to me.
I really ought to get a fucking life.
9/8/2014