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Four More by This Fuckin' Guy: Squirrels, Boats, Trains, and River

Squirrels
Damn, look at those two squirrels.
They are really going at it.
He's really going at it.
And she looks like her eyes are going to pop right the fuck out of her head.

And actually, you know,
She doesn't look like she's enjoying herself.
She looks like she want him to get off of her.
That squirrel is raping that squirrel over there.
Hey, squirrel!
Get the fuck off of her!
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Can you not see that she doesn't want you doing that?
What do you think you're a big fucking stud?
You think you're God's fucking gift to squirrels?
Get the fuck out of here.
And get the fuck off of her.

You're going to knock her up and she doesn't even fucking like you.
I don't even think she even fucking knows you.
You're a cute fucking squirrel, but you're a fucking dick.
8/11/14

Boats
Fucking boats-Am I right?
I love to watch fucking boats
I love to sit on a pier
Especially this pier—I love this fucking pier
I love to sit on this pier
And look at these fucking boats go by
Sail boats
Motor boats
Kayaks
Canoes
Rowboats
Whatever fuck boats-I don’t give a shit
Even fucking speed boats look peaceful on the water
I guess because they’re on the fucking water
And the water is so beautiful
The way it reflects the buildings and the boats
And the sky

And these fucking boats
They look like they’re moving so fucking slow
But that boat, right there—that big fucking cruise ship?
It’s moving fucking fast
It’s fucking booking
I’ll bet there’s fish under there wondering, "What the fuck is this fucking thing?"
Boats must freak fish the fuck out.

If I were a fish I’d probably fucking hate fucking boats
I’d probably piss on any boat I could
Or take a shit on it
But I’m not a fucking fish in the water getting fucked by a big fucking boat
I’m here on a fucking pier
And I'm thinking these are some beautiful motherfucking boats right here.
8/12/2014
 
 
Trains
Trains are fucking awesome too
They have that same thing where, if you’re looking at them from far away
They look like they’re going slow
But this fucking train is moving really fucking fast
And it goes on for fucking ever
I counted forty or fifty fucking cars on this motherfucker
And then I was fucking like, fuck this
Too many fucking cars on this fucking train to count
Maybe fucking 100 cars
I’m going say yeah, at least a hundred fucking cars on this motherfucking train
The engine on this motherfucking train must be really fucking powerful to be pulling all this shit
I mean fuck me.

I was riding a train one time with this woman
A fucking three day fucking train trip to Oregon to visit her folks
And this train had some double decker fucking cars on it
There was a whole fucking second section of seating right above where we were sitting
So she went up there to scope it out
And she came back down and she said
"There’s nobody up there; we should go up there and fuck"
And so we went up there and fucked.
Then we came back down, and continued on to Portland
That was a real nice time
A really nice fucking time
Trains are fucking awesome.
8/12/2014
 
 
River
I am sitting on this fucking pier again
I love this fucking pier
I love looking at this river
The water is fucking beautiful
I love watching this beautiful fucking sun setting over New Jersey
The reflection of the beautiful fucking light
From the beautiful fucking setting sun
On the beautiful fucking water
It’s fucking beautiful
So still
And peaceful
And fucking beautiful

Except when a stupid fucking jogger runs by
I hate these fucking joggers
I’m trying to have a nice, meditative experience over here
Appreciate the fucking silence and the calm
And these fucking idiots running past me every couple of  fucking minutes
Where’s the fucking fire, you fucks?

Fuck you, you piece of shit
 
Fuck you, you fucking piece of shit

And fuck you too
Fuck each one of you fucking joggers

I mean, it’s must be nice for you to run in such a pretty setting
But you can’t even fucking enjoy it, because you’re running
You might as well be running in the street
Or in the fucking bike lane
Except don’t jog in the fucking bike lane because you’ll be in the fucking way
Fucking idiot fucking joggers

Now I’m all fucking distracted
What the fuck is wrong with you fucks?
Go fuck yourself

What the fuck was I-
Oh, yeah--the river
It’s really fucking nice and peaceful
With the fucking seagulls and the boats and
There’s another fucking jogger
Fuck this fucking shit
I should just go fuck myself and die right fucking now
I fucking hate you jogging fucks
But this river is fucking amazing.
8/12/2014

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