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Five More from This Fuckin' Guy: Closet, Blanket, Bed, Pillows, Bedroom

Closet
So you don't know and you think
What's next?
And you look at your fucking closet
And you say, ok, closet
Fucking closet
Why the fuck not?
So: closet.

So:
Closets are better when they're not so fucking full
I mean, it's nice to have clothes
But it sucks to have so much fucking shit in the closet
Shit that you're never going to wear again
So much of that shit
That you can't find a fucking thing
You would actually want to fucking wear
Am I right?
Of course I'm fucking right.

So last week I packed up a fuckload of shit
I mean two fucking big fucking bags of shit:
Suits, ties, blazers,
A fuckload of fucking shirts,
A fucking Whole Foods bag
And a fucking Ikea bag--
One of those big blue fucking Ikea bags-
Both bags
Stuffed full of old clothes-
And I brought all that shit to fucking Housing Works

And now,
Look at this fucking closet!
I bought one pair of pants, that I'm wearing right now
And one fucking shirt that I wore yesterday
And there's plenty of room for everything in this motherfucker now
This closet can fucking breathe now.
Fuck yes.

An empty closet is a joy forever
Until it gets fucking full again.
8/22/14

Blanket
Blankets are fucking great
Even in the fucking summer
I like to have a fucking blanket covering me
Like I can't fucking sleep unless I'm under something
And it can't be just a fucking sheet
I need a fucking blanket

I mean, ok:
Sometimes I'm so fucking tired
I'll just crash out right on top of the fucking blanket
And sleep for a while
But then, when I wake up a few hours later in the middle of the fucking night
I'm going to get the fuck under the fucking blanket
That's just the way it is.
That's how I fucking roll

I fucking roll
Under a fucking blanket.
8/22/14

Beds
I have slept in sleeping bags in tents in the fucking woods
And that is really fucking great
The smells and the sounds
And the false fucking sense that you're roughing it
It's really fucking nice.

But I'm not going to do that all the fucking time
Most of the fucking time
I'm going to want a fucking bed.

I slept on a futon on the fucking floor for fucking years
And I fucking wondered why I was an asshole to everybody all the fucking time
It was probably because I couldn't sleep very fucking well
Because--hello? I should have been sleeping on a motherfucking bed

Maybe this sounds kind of bourgeois,
But, I mean,
Even the homeless guy who lives like a hundred fucking yards from here
Next to the fucking community garden
In front of the fucking supermarket
Has a fucking bed set up out of all of his fucking shit
And most mornings, that fucking guy
Looks happier than most fucking homeless guys
For fucking sure
And I gotta figure
It's because he's got a fucking bed
He's no fucking fool.

So, I mean, fuck--ok?
Get a fucking bed
If you don't have a bed
Get a fucking bed
If your bed is broken
Because Jon Berger broke it*
Fix your fucking bed
Or get another fucking bed
I mean, this isn't fucking rocket science
Get a fucking bed.
 8/22/14

*Ray Brown told me recently that Jon Berger broke some fucking guy (specifically, Daniel Saftler)'s bed at some fucking (specifically, Dan's) party.


Pillows
And while you're at it
A few fucking pillows wouldn't hurt either

There are probably scientific studies that show
That you sleep better with your head elevated
I just tried to find one and instead I found
An article in Science Daily from last month
About how orgasms promote pillow talk
And how that's good for relationships,
To which I say, duh.

A lot of scientific studies show shit
That everybody already fucking knows already
Like how if you give a rat cancer, it dies
Or if you put make-up in a monkey's eyes, it cries
Stupid shit like that
I fucking hate animal testing.

If you're going to test on animals
How about you give some rats and some chimpanzees
Some really fucking soft pillows and see if they sleep better?
Because that's the fucking study I'd like to see right now.
Hey fucking science--why don't you do that fucking study?
If you're going to fucking test on animals
Which you shouldn't fucking do anyway
You fucks.

My point though is that pillows are good.
Whether that has been scientifically proven or not
They are good.
Pillows are fucking good.
8/22/14

Bedroom
I've been in this bedroom for over an hour now
Just writing poems
Could you fucking tell?

If I didn't have to piss really badly
I'd probably write "Bookshelves,"
"Air Conditioner,"
"Lamp," and
Fucking "Laundry Basket,"
But I really have to take a fucking piss, so
Maybe later.
8/22/14

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