Skip to main content

This Fuckin' Guy Scores Another Four: Owls, Bees, Crickets, Grasshoppers

Owls
Owls don't seem so fucking wise to me.
They look like dicks, usually,
With their chests all puffed out and shit,
Like they're saying
"Fuck me? No-Fuck you!"

But of course, they're not fucking saying that.
Owls don't actually want to fuck with you.
They will stay the fuck out of your way is what I've found.
But if you happen to be chipmunk running in a fucking field,
Or a squirrel fucking another squirrel, let's say,
And an owl sees you,
You're fucked.
You're fucked.

That fucking owl will swoop down on your chipmunk or squirrel ass
And pick you up with some sharp-ass motherfucking talons,
And fly you up to a branch,
And just fucking eat you.
Eat you alive.
That is some fucked up shit.

You could even be a fucking bird,
Just fucking flying along,
And that fucking owl will catch you in mid fucking air,
And you're fucked.
You're fucked.

Owls will also eat insects and fucking worms.
That doesn't seem so fucking wise to me.
I don't fucking know, but I mean,
The only time I ever ate a worm,
It was a worm at the bottom of a bottle of fucking tequila.
And that wasn't so fucking wise, let me fucking tell you.

I'm not saying owls are totally fucking stupid.
I'm just saying they're not fucking geniuses is all.
8/26/2014


Bees
I'm vegan, but I will sometimes buy cereal with honey in it.
Because fuck bees.
I don't give a shit about the bees.
This position is not particularly controversial
Except among other vegans.
And I don't fucking know an awful lot of vegans.
Some of whom can be fucking dicks.

I generally prefer non-human animals to human animals.
And this includes vegans--fuck them and everybody else, generally.
Although there are specific people, including a few vegans,
That I like an awful lot.

But not bees--
Fuck bees.
Bees aren't even animals at all-
They are fucking bugs.
They are sentient,
They have feelings,
But I don't give a fuck:
Cockroaches are sentient too, 
But if I see a fucking cockroach, I'm going to fucking kill it.
And if there's some fucking delicious cereal to be eaten,
And it has honey in it,
And I'm hungry for some fucking cereal,
Then fuck the bees--I'm eating the fucking cereal.
That's just the fucking way it fucking is:
Fuck the bees--I'm eating the cereal.
8/26/2014


Crickets
Crickets look fucking disgusting.
Like fucking cockroaches that can fucking hop and shit.
And I don't want to have anything the fuck to do
With a fucking cockroach that can fucking hop
Or fucking fly.
Flying fucking cockroaches freak me the fuck out, so
Fuck them.

And I am almost like, fuck the fucking crickets too.
Except, goddamn...

On a quiet fucking night,
When all you can hear is the fucking crickets,
That is a beautiful fucking sound.

When it's dark, and you can't fucking see how fucking ugly the crickets are,
You can shut the fuck up,
And breathe really fucking quietly,
And listen to the beautiful fucking sound
Of those ugly fucking crickets.
And that is a really nice time.
Tell me I'm fucking wrong about this.
I'm not fucking wrong, so fuck you.

Fun fact about crickets:
They make different kinds of chirping songs
Depending on different shit that's going on with them.
Like if they want to fuck--that's one song.
If there's another male cricket trying to cock-block the first one,
That's another song.
And they've even got a song for after they fuck.
That's nice, right?
Because, I don't know about you,
But sometimes, after fucking,
I wanna sing a fucking song.

Another fun fact: crickets will eat dead crickets.
That's pretty fucking hardcore.

So yeah, fucking crickets.
They're pretty fucking all right.
8/26/2014


Grasshoppers
But fuck Grasshoppers-
They can't even sing.
Maybe they're not as ugly as fucking crickets--
Or maybe they are--
But they most definitely can't fucking sing,
So fuck them.

I'm not saying kill them indiscriminately.
I'm just saying:
They can't sing,
They don't make honey,
They are fucking bugs,
They are fucking disgusting,
So fuck them.
Fuck grasshoppers.
8/26/2014

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

"Return" and "Trump I": This Fuckin' Guy Comes Back.

Return

It's been a long fucking time.
I'm not all that into me, but I've kind of fucking missed me.

After writing something like a hundred fucking poems in 14 months,
This Fuckin' Guy was getting fucking repetitive and pedestrian and boring.
To me, at least.
And I don't think I was the only fucking one.

But, now that 14 more months have gone by (17, actually)
And what with the state of the motherfucking union,
It feels like there might be a place again
For This Fuckin' Guy.

Let's see....

February 28, 2017


Trump I* (In Seven Parts)

I
Well, yeah, of course.
Fuck this fucking piece of shit
Fuck this piece of shit in his fucking dick
With a fucking corkscrew
Stick a fucking corkscrew in his dick
And screw it in.
Hard.
Fucking piece of shit.
Fuck this fucking motherfucker.

II
I've been trying to transcend
I've been meditating and being all like
Live and let live
But then this ever changing world in which we live in
Made me give in and cry
And say fuck that shit
Live and let this mo…

"Trump II: Speech" and "Retrospect": This Fuckin' Guy Reflects.

Trump II: Speech*
Jesus fucking cocks
How do you like the balls on this motherfucking piece of shit?

Make the bar so fucking low
That that shit looks statesmanlike?
That that shit looks good?
Fuck that shit
And fuck you.

But I will say one fucking thing:
It's a fucking shame that no Democrat since probably LBJ
Would even fucking think of proposing
A trillion fucking dollars on infrastructure
And I will say fuck yes to that.

I will give credit when credit is due
Like what that piece of shit Bush did in Africa:
A lot of fucking money to fight AIDS, malaria, and other fucked up shit
over there
Whereas that fuck Reagan took five fucking years to even say the fucking word "AIDS."
That piece of shit ratbastard fuck.

So fuck yes to Bush fighting AIDS, malaria, and other fucked up shit in Africa
And fuck yes to proposing a trillion dollars for infrastructure
Even if it never fucking happ‎ens
It's a nice fucking gesture
It's a lovely fucking gestu‎re
So fuck yes
I mean, I'm almost al…

"Ossoff" and "FBI": This Fuckin' Guy Gives, Gives a Little More, and Refuses to Give

Ossoff

Yeah, what the fuck, I gave that motherfucker some money today.
I figured, any motherfucker gets 48 per cent running as a Democrat in the Georgia 6th deserves a little something.
So I gave him a little fucking money.
Just a little fucking money.

And then Act Blue, who coordinates the fucking contributions, was like "Hey--could we get a fucking tip?"
And I was like, sure, I'll tip you motherfuckers too,
Because 20 percent of the tiny fucking donation I just gave to this motherfucker Ossoff is like nothing anyway,
But it's better than fucking nothing.

Last week, when Ossoff was polling at like 42 per cent, I was like, "No fucking way is this motherfucker going to win the runoff,"
But maybe he fucking will.

Anyway, it's worth throwing a little fucking money in.
Skin in the fucking game.

April 19, 2017


FBI

Monday, I was about to dock a Citibike
Over by the motherfucking ferry,
And this guy is like,
"Yo, could I borrow your bike? I'm with the …