"Razor," "Jersey," "Epithets," "Chimes," "Bike," and "Fuck": Six More? This Fuckin' Guy Has Got to be Fucking Kidding.

Razor

An example of what I was talking about yesterday, in the fucking sonnet:
I'm in the office today, and before I started working, I decided to shave my fucking face,
Because I didn't have a chance to fucking shave
Before I left to go to the fucking office this morning.

So I'm walking down the hall of this fucking office building
Toward the bathroom,
With this electric fucking razor in my hand,
And I'm thinking to myself:
This fucking razor looks like a fucking gun
I should put it in my fucking pocket,
Because I don't want one of these fucking security guards
To see me carrying this fucking thing in my hand
And just fucking shoot me down.
I should put this thing in my fucking pocket.

So I start to do that,
I start to put the razor in my fucking pocket,
And then I think:
Get the fuck out of here.
You don't fucking have to do that.
You're fucking white, for fuck's sake.
Fucking idiot.
8/30/2014

Jersey
I feel a little bad about what I said
About Jersey yesterday.
There's a lot of nice shit about New Jersey.
When I was like 18, or 19, I think,
Bianca Miller took me on the PATH train to Jersey fucking City
And we went to the fucking White Castle.
They didn't have any fucking White Castles in Manhattan.
There had a White Tower on Greenwich Fucking Avenue, I think,
But that was like a diner - totally fucking different fucking thing.

So I had my first fucking White Castles in New Jersey
I probably had like eight or ten of them that day.
That was a great fucking day.
In fucking New Jersey.

And you also get pretty nice fucking views of Manhattan from New Jersey
Whereas from Manhattan, you do not
I mean, fucking obviously
You can't fucking see Manhattan from Manhattan, for fuck's sake.
That's fucking obvious.

And then one time Greg Kline took me and my brother
Down to the Jersey fucking Shore.
We drank a lot of fucking vodka.
And we were taping an episode
Of the David Phuc show
(David Phuc was this fucking
Talk show host character I came up with
When I learned that "Phuc" is a Laotian surname).

So that fucking day,
We were were going to make an episode called
"David Phuc on the Beach"
And so were were there, fucking drinking,
And fucking videotaping and shit,
It was really fucking nice.
It was a really fucking nice fucking time,
Until these fucking Jersey or Long Island guys
Or wherever the fuck they were from
Started saying "fagots;"
"Faggots with AIDS;"
Et cetera,
That kind of shit,
You know, as some of those fucking guys will fucking do.

So we went back inside to the fucking beach house,
Because fuck those fucks,
I mean, that was kind of fucked up,
But fuck it, I guess I'm over it now,
Except here I am thinking about it, still.
Those fucking fucks.

But my point, actually, is that
New Jersey can be really fucking nice.
Sometimes.
8/30/2014


Epithets
That word: "faggot."
I think about how I guess it's not as bad
To be called that if you're not actually gay,
Which I'm not,
But still, it fucking sucks to be called that.
Like I got called that all the fucking time in junior fucking high school
And it fucking sucked
Which is interesting --
To say "fucking sucked" in this context,
Because the implication of the "fucking sucks" construction
Is that the thing that's being fucking sucked is dicks.

So then you get into this whole thing
About how most heterosexual women and homosexual men
Suck dicks,
And that so one of the things that's so wrong to some people about being gay
Is that gay guys suck dicks, (I mean most do, I guess)
And that that's what women do
(I mean most heterosexual women, of course, for fuck's sake).

And so then the stupid fucking idea
That a man doing what a woman does
Is like the most fucking fucked up thing in the world
That stupid fucking idea
Is part of what fucking homophobia is about or some shit
I don't fucking know
The whole fucking thing is fucking --
I don't fucking know.

And, so, but,
Here's another fucked up thing about me
I maybe shouldn't say:
Sometimes, when a woman calls me "faggot."
Or "pussy,"
Or "little fucking girl,"
I like that shit.
That shit can be really fucking hot sometimes
My dick gets really, really fucking hard
From that shit sometimes
Depends on the woman, obviously.

I don't know what's fucking up with that.
I don't fucking know.  I wish I did.

I mean, I'm sure that in some fucked up fucking way
It's a not a fucking inversion
But rather a fucking recapitulation
Of the hetero-normative, fucking patriarchal paradigm.
I don't fucking know--I'm not a fucking sociologist.
I should just shut the fuck up now.
I'm going to shut the fuck up about this now.
8/30/2014


Chimes
There's this, poem, "Wuss"
Where the narrator talks about being called a faggot
And there's this Dave Keener song, "Mr. Johnson,"
Where the singer sings about being called a faggot,
And there was this guy, Winchester Chimes
He was gay,
He was a great fucking poet, essayist,
Playwright, painter, songwriter,
Performance artist, video director,
And so much fucking else,
I can't even remember all the shit this fucking guy used to do-
Winchester fucking Chimes-
He died of AIDS in 1988.
And he always objected to the use of the word "faggot"
In "Wuss" and "Mr. Johnson."

And I would say, "But it's about being called a faggot--that's different."
He didn't fucking think so.
When he videotaped King Missile at the Knitting Factory
And the band played "Wuss" and "Mr. Johnson."
He turned the fucking camera fucking off.

I guess for some people
They don't even fucking like to hear the word.
The context doesn't even fucking matter.
I don't fucking know.

I still fucking miss Winchester Chimes.
And I fucking hate AIDS and Ronald fucking piece of shit Reagan.
Fuck them both.
I mean AIDS and Reagan-not Chimes.
I fucking love Chimes.
I will always love Chimes.
8/30/2014


Bike
I was riding into work today
On a fucking Citibike
And I'm passing some slow ass piece of shit
And I always make a lot of room when I pass,
Because you never fucking know when the guy you're passing
Is going to fucking swerve toward you

And I thought I had looked behind me
Because I usually do
Because there's a lot of fucking maniacs
On the fucking bike path by the fucking Hudson
But I guess I didn't
Because just as I'm passing this slow ass motherfucker on my right
Here comes this fucking speed fucking racer,
Gives me maybe fucking two inches on my left
As he passes me and the slow ass fucking guy

And I gasped like a girl
Seriously, I gasped like a little fucking, fucking little girl
Like if those guys on the Jersey fucking Shore would have heard me
They would have thought their opinion of my sexual orientation
Would have been fucking indisputably proven

So this fucking Lycra wearing fucking piece of shit
Passes me and I think
I should fucking catch up to him
And pass him, giving him plenty of fucking room
And say to him:
This is how you pass people, you fucking piece of shit.

But this fucking piece of shit
Is on a ten speed
And I'm on a fucking slow ass Citibike
And I'm maybe 20, 25 years older than Lycrafuck over here
And what the fuck do I fucking care any fucking way
What the fuck am I trying to fucking prove
I'll just keep riding to the fucking office
And write a fucking poem about this fucking piece of shit later

That's what I thought
I'll write a poem about you later, Lycrafuck
And I watched his stupid fucking Lycra covered ass
Speed away on that fucking 10-speed
And I thought
Thank you, Fuckface
Thank you for another fucking poem.
8/30/2014

Fuck
I was just listening to this fucking song
By J.J. Hayes
And I like it, but
I don't think "the f word
Shows a weakness in the writing,"
I think "fuck" is just a fucking word, for fuck's sake.
Chill the fuck out.

You know what I don't fucking like?
Saying "the f word" instead of just saying "fuck."
Just say "fuck."
Just say fuck to drugs.
Just say fuck to whatever the fuck.
Because why the fuck not.
It's just a motherfucking fucking word.
I mean, fucking come on.
8/30/2014