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The Next Three from This Fuckin' Guy: Cat, Dogs and Bird

Cat
This fucking cat is like,
"Fuck you--feed me.
I don't give a fuck what time it is
Feed me
I'm fucking hungry
And what the fuck are you doing
fuck you, fuck your sleep
Wake the fuck up and feed me."

And I used to be like,
"Fuck you, you cunt.
Why do you have to fucking be like that?
You've got plenty of fucking dry food-
I put that shit out like five hours ago
It's not that fucking stale
Just eat that shit
You spoiled fucking piece of fucking shit.
It's four o'clock in the morning, damn it
Listen to me good:
Eat your dry food and let me fucking sleep."

But now I'm like,
"Here you go, Piggy.
Here's the shit that you like.
Eat this shit and
Shut the fuck up.
I love you."

So, yeah, you could say I'm pussy whipped.
But you could also go fuck yourself
I love this fucking cat
This fucking cat is really fucking great.
8/24/2014


Dogs
When I was a kid
It was often my responsibility
To walk the fucking dog
And I feel kind of bad now
That I was so fucking result-oriented about it
I'd pull on the fucking leash
And be like, "Come on,
Fucking piss already,
Take your fucking shit,
Let's get back inside,
I want to watch the news, or fucking Letterman"
or whatever the fuck it was I wanted to watch, or do.

I feel bad about that.
I don't take care of a dog now, because fuck dogs,
But still. I feel bad.
Dogs don't see with their eyes.
They see with their fucking noses.
If they don't get to sniff shit outside
It's like they don't know what the fuck is going on.
The way shit smells--like a tree, or a fucking mailbox
The way that shit smells
That's like the fucking news to them
Or maybe it's even like fucking Letterman
I don't fucking know.

And I didn't fucking know that - about the smells
I just found that shit out today
I mean, I knew dogs liked to smell a lot of shit,
But I didn't fucking know exactly why.
So now I feel really fucking bad
About pulling on that fucking leash all the time.
I'm really fucking sorry.

I mean the dog is dead now, she doesn't give a shit.
But I feel bad.

I also feel a little bad about saying "Fuck dogs," just now before.
I don't always like having to deal with dogs,
But I didn't have to be a fucking dick about it.
I could have just shut the fuck up.
Who the fuck gives a shit what I think about fucking dogs
Certainly not dog lovers

Now all the fucking dog lovers think I'm a dick about dogs
But I'm not
I give money to dog rescue and shit
It's like that "I love humankind, it's people I can't stand" shit.
That's how I am about dogs

Except that's not fucking right either
There are some great fucking dogs
I could write a whole fucking book about great fucking dogs I have known
Some fucking dogs are fucking great.

I mean, I don't get the whole barking thing
There are some fucking dogs
That I wish would just
Shut the fuck up
There's a dog on the floor of this building who barks all the fucking time
And never shuts the fuck up
I used to fucking hate that fucking dog
I'd be like, why the fuck won't that fucking dog shut the fuck up?

But sometimes I don't shut the fuck up either
Like right now, I won't shut the fuck up about dogs
I should just shut the fuck up
Cause you know that shit they say--
When you point the finger--right?
There's three fingers pointing back at you-okay?
So, okay
Okay
I'm going to shut the fuck up about dogs now.
Okay

But I still wish that one dog
Would shut the fuck up.
8/24/2014


Bird
I don't know why the fucking caged bird sings.
I could ask Maya Angelou, but
A) She's dead, and
B) She doesn't fucking know either

I daresay she's never read Uexküll  or Sebeok
On the umwelt of non-human animals
Not that I have either,
But I don't write fucking poems
Claiming to know why a caged bird sings
Because I don't fucking know

But Maya Angelou, she thinks she fucking knows
Like most people
She anthropomorphizes non-human animals
And assumes that because the bird is in a cage
The bird feels like a slave

Maybe it does
Maybe it doesn't
I don't fucking know
And neither does she

So I won't ask Maya fucking Angelou why the caged bird sings
She doesn't fucking know
And she is dead.
8/24/2014

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